Five Minute Friday: HEAL

This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday series. Five minutes of free-flow writing shared with whoever wants to read it. This week’s prompt is: HEAL.  

Disclaimer: I was several behind, but in my challenge to myself to do every prompt this year, I wrote three this week.  Feel free to check them out, as they weren't included in any of the linkups.

Now, back to HEAL:

______GO

I had never heard of the term "birth trauma" until after I had experienced it.  I thought the four letters "PTSD" were reserved for those who saw horrific things in a far off land.  I had not idea why it was so hard to bounce back to myself after the birth of my babies, but it all began to make sense.

NICU is a place I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  It is a place of indescribable fear.  Even 18 months out, I still tear up anytime I think about my time there.  Every day.  All day.  For 25 excruciating days.

Before I had experienced it, NICU was just a place for sick babies to get well.  It was just another room in the hospital.  I never pulled the letters apart to realize it was an ICU - Intensive Care Unit for newborn babies.  Wasn't it just another place?

One thing I think most people don't realize is that it is a place that kept my babies alive.  Not just another room.  Not just a nursery with extra nurses, to keep watch while I was "lucky" to get a full nights sleep.  It's a place that pulled out all the stops so my babies could survive coming months early.  The ICU for newborns.  Intensive Care Unit.  Without it, they would have died.  

Our first time holding the babies
and their first photo together 😍😍

Sister Snuggles 

Five Minute Friday: KNOW

This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday series. Five minutes of free-flow writing shared with whoever wants to read it. This week’s prompt is: KNOW.  

______GO

I know that You are good.  Even when things don't seem good.

I know that You have won the war. Even when it looks like evil is winning.

I know that You will make all things new.  Even when it looks impossible.

I know that You will never leave me. Even when I feel alone.

I know that You have a plan for me. Even when I feel like its spinning out of control.

I know that You are working all things out to bring yourself glory.  Even when I feel like you've messed it all up. 

I know that You hear me when I call. Even when I can't hear you.

I know that You care. Even when I feel like you don't.

I know that You aren't caught off guard.  Even when I am.

I know that You love me.  Even when I feel unlovable.

I know that You guide me. Even when I'm wandering in the wilderness.

I know that You give me unbelievable peace. Even when I feel defeated. 

I know that You love them.  Even when I don't.

I know that You know everything that happens.  Even when it feels like everything is burning to the ground.

I know that You will use every single second of this life for something I can't see yet.

But sometimes, its just so damn hard to believe.

STOP.

Five Minute Friday: VISION

This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday series. Five minutes of free-flow writing shared with whoever wants to read it. This week’s prompt is: VISION.  

______GO

I make sure their pjs are very different and pay attention when I get them dressed.  They have to be wearing something that is distinguishable.  Either in color or bold pattern. 

The are on me all night long.  Eating, cuddling, just being close.  I like to know who is who, even in the dark.  Even without my glasses on.  I need the patterns, or colors, to be able to whisper "I love you, Lucy" or "I'm right here, Ellie" correctly.  

In the light of day, with the correct prescription on my eyes, when they are looking my way, I can tell. But from behind, and across the room, I have no clue.  When I get them dressed, I typically put Lucy in Hearts, or the world LOVE (because of "I love Lucy") and Eleanor in Polka-Dots (because of the polka dot hemangioma on her back).  It just makes life easier.  And we will take any amount of easy we can get these days.

Sometimes we don't have hearts and dots, so then Lucy get stripes (cause once E got dots and stripes was the only other option, so it just stuck).  But then we also have a dress of polka-dot hearts, so things can get kind of jumbled up.  Sometimes we match them just to mix it up, so I have to pay attention to the socks or shoes they wear. 

Oh the things I never had to worry about before these two identical little ladies of mine.  Twins are fun!

Five Minute Friday: BOTH

This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday series. Five minutes of free-flow writing shared with whoever wants to read it. This week’s prompt is: BOTH.  

______GO

I'm starting to learn that life is not either/or but it's both/and.  Had I learned this truth earlier, it would have saved me immense inner turmoil.  Here are some things that this newfound realization has brought clarity to.

1- Mother hood is BOTH beautiful AND exhausting.

2- My parents are BOTH my favorite supporters AND my biggest frustrations. 

3- I love my job AND want to quit almost every day.

4- I love being pregnant because it brings about my greatest treasures, AND hate it because of what it does to my body.

5- I love my children so much I could cry AND they frustrate me with their constant whining.

6- I was so excited when Lucy was coming home from the NICU, AND absolutely wrecked that we were leaving Eleanor behind. 

7- I am so thankful that the babies are healthy AND I am traumatized and grieve the early days that were so hard to walk through. 

8- My children bring me so much joy and pride that I feel like my heart is going to explode AND they embarrass the heck out of me when they blatantly disobey me, especially in front of others.  

I think the both/and duality in life is what keeps us going.  It's what helps us make it to the end of the day and want to wake up for another.  It's feeling like I've yelled all day long but not wanting to leave their bedside as we talk about our day, they drift off to sleep, and I spend an extra hour staring at how marvelous they are. 

I'm so grateful that the Lord lets me live in the Both/And. 

STOP.