I can’t even believe I’m saying this but… today my baby
turned 1. Where the heck has time
gone?
Everyone told me that time flies,
but I couldn’t have imagined it would have gone THIS fast! Turns out that the days are long AND the
years are short. Thanks for the heads up
guys!
I never knew that an entire piece of me was missing until
the doctor placed this tiny little human on my chest a year ago. And with that tiny little man, a fierce love
I never thought possible was burned deep in my soul into a place that I never
knew existed.
So, since it’s been a year and I’m ridiculously emotional
about it, why not tell the most wonderful story there ever was?!?
Here you go, little love.
Here’s the story about the day I finally got to meet you :)
__________
There was all sorts of drama surrounding your entrance into
the world. When would it happen? How would it happen? Where would it happen?
You were due on 10-10-12, a Wednesday. We were counting down the months, and then
weeks, and then days until your due date… and then in Jude fashion, we started
counting backwards. How high would the
number go? Please oh please not too
long!
You see, Momma had been ready for a while. The Dr told her that you would probably not
wait until your due date to arrive. You
probably wouldn’t even wait until October.
Momma’s body was all ready for you to come on outta there! But you just wanted to stay in…. so we waited
some more.
Random funny story: In Momma’s fashion, she went out and
prepared the best way she knew how. She
bought snacks. For Dad. For hospital visitors. For the nurses. I spent $50 on a huge bag full of snacks for
everyone. Looking back, it was so silly
because only 5 things were eaten out of the bag, but at the time it was a
NECESSITY.
Momma’s doctor, Dr Sulak is a wonderful woman. We built a really good relationship with her
throughout the course of my pregnancy.
She was very open and honest about who she was and we were genuinely
interested in her life. She was going to
be a huge part of ours, so we wanted to show her how much we cared. Early on, we learned that her mom was very
ill. In fact, it seemed at each
appointment that her mom kept getting worse.
She assured us that if something were to happen with her mom that we
would be in very good hands with ANY of the other doctors in her practice. Of that she had no doubt.
When we got down to the weekly visits, it was very obvious
that her mom was not going to be around much longer. We tried our best to minister to Dr Sulak
each week and prayed for her often.
When you didn’t come on your due date, we had the talk about
inducing. I really didn’t want to be
induced because of all of the horror stories I’d heard about the pain and
intensity and blah blah blah that comes with an induction and I wanted it to
happen as naturally as possible. She
completely understood, but didn’t want us to go longer than a week past the 10th. She worked some magic in the system and set
us up for an appointment on Friday. The
plan was for her to accidentally break my water during an exam and send us
directly to Labor and Delivery. Because
my body was already getting ready to meet you, she thought that my water
breaking would be the jump start I needed.
No drugs, just wait for you to come.
We were so excited on Friday. We could hardly sleep the night before. (This is our last night JUST US… Holy crap
we’re gonna have a kid tomorrow!) Our
appointment was for first thing Friday morning.
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| On our way to the hospital! |
We show up and go through the usual routine. We check in, get my vitals, and get called
back. BUT, as soon as we’re called, Dr
Sulak’s nurse tells us:
“Dr Sulak’s mom passed away last night so she is going to be
out of town for the next several days.
She called first thing this morning to update the new doctor on the plan
for you guys, though. We’re still on
track to get you checked in today.”
Your dad and I had talked about the possibility of this
happening. Of us not being able to have
Dr Sulak deliver you. And surprisingly,
I was ok with it. The Lord let me know
that it was gonna be ok. You were going
to get here one way or another and it didn’t matter who was there!
When we got back to the exam room, the new doctor came in,
checked me, and told me that nothing had changed since earlier that week. She said that the hospital was full and that
she wasn’t able to pull rank the way that Dr Sulak could. And unless you decided to come on your own,
there wasn’t anything she could do. She
didn’t want to break my water because there weren’t any rooms available for me
to labor in and a triage room wouldn’t be an ideal way to start. Unless you came over the weekend, we had a
100% sure booked room in labor and delivery on Monday, October 15th
at 6:00pm with Dr Sulak.
We were heartbroken.
You’d have thought someone came and took you away. It was horrible. I cried and cried and cried… I wanted to meet
you SO badly and couldn’t even think of postponing it. But that’s exactly what we had to do. Since we thought you were coming, your
grandparents were already on their way to Belton. Dad had to make the call to everyone to turn
around and try again on Monday. Although
I was a mess, he kept it together until he talked to your grandparents and lost
it. They were all so sweet and
understanding. Even though they were only half way here, they just kept on coming all the way just to love on us
and tell us that everything was going to be alright…and take us to breakfast at
Cracker Barrel. You’ve got the BEST
grandparents in the whole world. I mean,
MAN! You lucked out :)
You were a no show over the weekend, so Monday rolled around
and we knew for sure that it was happening THAT DAY! Nanny and Aunt Jenn showed up around noon and
we hung out until it was time to go to the hospital. Dad and I sat in the waiting room until they called
my name. We had told everyone that
nothing would happen for a while, to just sit tight until we got all checked
into a room. The hospital was backed up
so it took a little longer than we expected in the waiting room and by the time
Dad had all of my paperwork done, both Nanny, Aunt Jenn, GiGi and Grandad had
already arrived. They were excited to
meet you too!
When they call us back, Dad and I walk into THE ROOM and it
was the most surreal feeling. The intake
nurse shows us around and told me to get changed. I put on the gown and came out into the room
overwhelmed by what was about to happen in our lives. Dad and I hugged and were so excited about
meeting you soon!
The nurse told us that Dr Sulak was still out for her mom’s
funeral that day, but she knew that we checked in and wanted to break my water
herself so she could be at your birth. She didn’t want us to have to leave so
she ordered me to be put on the smallest dose of Pitocin possible. She would come to the hospital as soon as she
could to break my water, but we really didn’t know what was going to happen for
sure. We met another doctor who would be
with us throughout the night. When they
hooked me up to the monitors, they were surprised to see me having
contractions. I had been having them for
a while but didn’t know that they were THOSE contractions. They had been going on for days. So, it turns out I didn’t even need the
Pitocin after all but stayed on it to keep the labor going until morning.
The plan was for me to continue on the low dose of Pitocin
until Dr Sulak could get there to break my water early on Tuesday morning. In my mind, I thought that nothing would
happen until my water broke so I just decided to rest until then. I kept having contractions, but they were the
kind I’d been having for weeks, so I wasn’t too bothered. Because I knew that we were in for a long
night, we turned out the lights to try and get some sleep. I turned on Friends (P T L for TBS!) and
watched a few episodes. I couldn’t sleep
because I was uncomfortable and the tightness in my tummy was increasing. Dad was sound asleep on the couch next to me
when Friends turned into the George Lopez show.
When that turned into infomercials I knew it was time to turn off the
tv.
By this time, however, I was getting really crampy. It was a new kind of pain. I felt like a huge wimp. I didn’t want to wake up Dad because in my
mind, nothing was going to happen until the morning when the Dr. would come in
to break my water. The pain was getting
pretty intense so the next time our sweet nurse came in, I quietly asked her if
I could get something for pain relief and tried not to wake Dad. He heard me though and woke straight up! She brought in a shot for me that made me
sleepy (finally) so I took a little nap.
The pain meds only lasted for 30 minutes and the soonest I could have
another dose was in an hour. We watched
the clock, and my contractions, waiting until we could get the second
dose. When I finally did, it didn’t help
at all.
Because of the pain level, they decided to check me and I
was at 5. We were in SHOCK! It was actually happening now. You weren’t gonna wait for the doctor to come
and break my water, you were ready! The
on-call doctor told me that if I wanted an epidural that I should get it
NOW. I did, so they put in the
call. While we waited for the
Anesthesiologist to come, I progressed quickly to a 7.
Finally, in walks in the doctor and a lady behind him. He says something about being a resident and
training and blah blah blah but I didn’t care.
Just get me pain meds! I bent
over the side of the bed with Dad and our nurse. I sat there hunched over for the longest and
most excruciating time of my life. I was
having contractions that weren’t stopping.
I couldn’t breathe through them because I was curled into a ball and
couldn’t move. It was taking
forever. And it hurt. Bad. “Stop. Please stop. Just please, stop. Oh my gosh, my head!” I don’t think he was listening, but at that
moment, he mentioned the possible “side effects” and mentioned that some people
could get a severe headache. I said, “I
HAVE THE HEADACHE! IT’S HORRIBLE! Please Stop!” But they couldn’t stop and I
couldn’t move.
As bad as it was for me, it was horrible for Dad. He just had to sit there, hold me and watch
as Momma was in pain when he wasn’t able to do anything about it or make it
stop. He was so strong though. He just rubbed my head and consoled me as
much as he could. He helped me get
through it. You’re strong just like Dad
so when you’re watching your own baby be born, just remember Daddy and know
that you’ll be able to help the love of your life get through too.
Baby boy, you should be proud of Momma. This is the only time during your Birth Day
that I said a bad word. I said it over
and over to Dad, but just the one word.
And it wasn’t even the really bad one, just the “s” word. But baby, even though Momma says it, don’t
say that word.
When they were finally finished and I told them I could
still feel everything, they said something about having to do it again because
it was in the wrong place. And again,
and again. Three tries later, I had a
very strange burning sensation shooting down my spine and legs. And then nothing! My legs go numb and all of my contraction
pain disappears. I feel pressure, but
NOTHING like before. In fact, I was
feeling great (aside from my headache)!
After the epidural ordeal was over, Dr Sulak sent word for the on call
doctor to come and break my water. When
the doctor tried to break it, she couldn’t feel it. The nurse put her bare hand on my bed and
discovered (eww) that my water had broken during my epidural and no one
noticed! Not only had my water broken,
but I was also at a 10! Everyone left
our room to tell Dr Sulak the news and to get here quick!
I look at Dad. “Oh my
gosh babe… This is it. He’s
coming.” I got butterflies in my
stomach. It felt like I was about to be
on the craziest roller coaster known to man.
Now that I was ready, we were just waiting on Dr Sulak to
get there. She had sent word that she
was on her way. If I could wait at all,
she could be there soon. I tried to rest
and we waited as long as we could but we started practice pushing with Susan
Soard, our Birthing Class instructor.
She was super helpful because she kept saying things like, “Remember
when we talked about this in class?
Remember in class when I said…”
It was great to have her cheering me on.
At this point, I knew I was pushing, but I didn’t know who
was going to be catching you when you decided to come out. And like an angel, in walks Dr Sulak!!! We were so thankful to see her. We asked about her family and told her we had
been praying for them. She was very
grateful but was ready to help bring you into the world! She was the best cheerleader. She kept giving me high fives with her wrists
on my inner thighs.
Funny story: In the midst of all
of the crazy, she kept calling me Jessica.
She would say, “Come on Jessica!” and Dad would say as loud as it could,
“Come on JEN!” It kept happening over
and over again and it just made me laugh.
I think Dad said Jen more times that day than he ever had before.
Your Dad is the best.
I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else with me in the whole world. He was the perfect coach. In addition to the name correcting, I got
lots of “Come on Babe”, “I love you so much”, “I’m so proud of you”, and “You’re
doing so great!”
I can remember it so clearly. His sweet shaking voice trying to count
through the tears as he sees your head for the first time. You had so much hair. Everyone commented on it!
Every time I pushed, you would come down and then go right
back up. You really didn’t want to come
out. There were so many things going
through my head…
I can’t do this. It’s
too hard. He’s never coming out. Don’t push with your feet. Don’t push with your face, you’ll get busted
blood vessels and black eyes.
The next few hours were a blur… let me tell you, pushing is
hard work! I had to wear an oxygen mask
because every time I pushed your heart rate would drop. I pushed for a really long time and was
getting exhausted. You kept getting stuck
at one point, and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t get you past it. I would collapse into the bed after every 10
count of pushing, not sure if I could do another 10. I just kept looking into Dad’s reassuring
face and getting the strength and courage to keep going.
I remember the doctor saying: “How long has she been
pushing? Since 6:30? Ok, let’s set up for the forceps.” She told me that she could get you out for me
as soon as I wanted. But she knew I
could do it and didn’t want to have to go get you for me. “Try, try, try. Push with all you got. I need for you to get past it. He keeps getting stuck.”
All the while, Susan Soard is getting things out of the
closet. As I’m trying to concentrate on
pushing you out, I see huge shiny things pass by the end of the bed. When I thought of forceps, I though small
things. These things were huge. And shiny. And terrifying.
I got really scared at this point. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I prayed and prayed. Lord, please help me. I can’t do it. I can’t get him out. I don’t want her to have to use those
things. Please Lord. Please let me do it. Please help me do it. Please DO it!
As soon as they brought in the forceps, the NICU team came
in with a tiny incubator. The room changed
from Dr Sulak, Susan, Dad and I to a room full of people. If the forceps were used, you would have to
go directly to the NICU team to get checked out. Although it was scary having them in the room,
it meant I had a whole team of people cheering me on… “Don’t make them
work! Push him out! Let them go home! They don’t want to work!” Each and every one of them were cheering me
on and giving me confidence that I could do it.
FINALLY, after hours of pushing… I was able get you past the
hardest part!
“Almost there… just a little more” “You
did it! He’s past it! Good job!
I knew you could do it!”
I look at your dad, exhausted. Even though I had a room full of people, he
was the one cheerleader that really helped me through it. I was exhausted but so excited and thankful
that it was almost over.
Just a few more
small pushes.
I think, “It’s almost done.
Holy crap, he’s almost here! Come
on Jude. I want you here already!”
She says, “Look dad, here’s his face.” Oh my gosh… he has a face!
A tiny push later she tells me to look. I look up to the mirror where I had been
watching the whole time. “No, look down here…
Look at your son!” I see your face. You face is so pudgy and beautiful. You are such a BIG baby. Your head is a little lopsided on the right
from where you were stuck for a while.
And then I watch her pull you out! Water goes everywhere and gets all over the
doctor but I don’t care.
I say, “Hey sweet boy!
I know you. Hey Jude! I love you
little buddy.”
Daddy says “Babe, look at him! Our little man! Babe, you did so good! I love you so much! I am so proud of you!”
“Ok Dad, here you go. Cut the cord!” and he did.
We are no longer physically connected, but at 8:42am our lives are changed forever. The world is changed forever because the most amazing Jude Sutton was now in it!
You go right on my chest.
You are so gooey and slimy but you are perfect! They suction out your mouth and nose. You make the tiniest cry I’ve ever heard but
not for long. You snuggle down into my
chest and you are content.
I have this sweet little stranger on my chest that I feel
like I’ve known since the beginning of time.
At that moment, I couldn’t even remember life without you. All of that time you spent in my tummy had
paid off… you were PERFECT! Susan takes
your first ever picture and our first ever family picture.
They took you to an incubator right next to my bed to get
you cleaned off, measured, and checked out.
Your scores were right where they needed to be. You weighed in at 8lbs 8oz. When we saw the scale and heard the number,
Dad and I just laughed at what a big baby you were! You were 20 ½ inches long.
While Dr Sulak was taking care of me, she was
anxious for them to get you back to me.
“When are you gonna give babe back to mom? She’s waiting. Are you almost done? Give mom her baby!”
They finally give you over to me, all wrapped up and
warm. Dad goes to tell everyone in the
waiting room that you’re here!! You and
I get to spend some time by ourselves. I
just look down at you and you look straight into my eyes. We have the sweetest conversation about what
life is like and how much you are loved and cherished and are already being
pursued by a God who loves you far more than we ever could, which in that
moment seemed impossible.
The nurses
come in and out to check on us, but we are just fine, you and me. Dad comes back in from announcing your
arrival to all of our family in the waiting room, and we spend time just the
three of us. We marvel at how perfect
you are. We just kept saying, “He’s
OURS. We get to keep him! He’s our SON!” It was such a crazy feeling to know that you
were gonna come home with us. We prayed
over you and were overwhelmed by the responsibility of your tiny little body
and soul.
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| Best Buds from the beginning |
You didn’t cry much. After
a few tries, you took right to eating. I’m
not surprised.
It was so affirming that
my body was designed to do just what it had done. To carry you, birth you, and nourish
you! How great is the Lord? How marvelous are His works?
______________
So baby, on your first birthday, I want to make sure you
know how loved you are. And how much
work it took to get you here. Even
though you’re now a toddler, you will ALWAYS be my baby. ALWAYS… no matter who else comes along. You’re my firstborn. You made me a momma, a gift that no one else
can give me and no one can take away. I
am so blessed by who you are and who you’re becoming. You are so smart…and SO funny… and such a
ladies man! You are your father’s
son. The Lord has amazing plans for you,
little love. And I can’t wait to watch
them unfold.
Love you more than you'll ever know!
Momma
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| 8:42am on 10-16-12 |
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| 8:42am on 10-16-13 |
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