Where are you going?

Yesterday was a huge day in the life of this momma. 

First off, Jude slept through the night.

… as in all night.

… as in my alarm woke me up instead of a hungry baby.

… as in I woke HIM up.

I’m not sure you understand. I can count on my fingers the number of times he’s slept through the night.

He’s 8 months old.
 

So, when I woke up this morning I did a happy dance.  Just in my head, of course, cause I’m running on 8 months of interrupted sleep and am generally exhausted.

But, no amount of regained sleep could have prepared me for the other milestone that hit yesterday: separation anxiety.  His not mine.  Mine has been around for 8 months.

Here’s the deal.

We are so blessed to have Jude in an amazing daycare and I absolutely love the staff and teachers.  There are so many good things about him being there and I already have TONS of things to blog about through our experiences there.

One of the big perks is that we are so close.  It takes me 7 minutes to get to him at any given moment.  It takes Geraldo (my husb’s self-chosen pseudonym that I promised I would use throughout the duration of this post) 5 minutes, max.

Anyway, one of the perks of being so close is that every day I get to go feed Jude at lunchtime.  It’s always a sweet time for the three of us (Jude, Geraldo and I) to spend time together during our otherwise crazy days.  Some days Geraldo has work commitments during lunch so I get to spend some quality Momma/son time with the boy.

Typically after Jude eats his lunch, I rock him to sleep, carry him back to class, and lay him down in his crib for his afternoon nap.  Most days, he goes down super easy.

Yesterday was not one of those days.

For starters, as soon as I walked into his classroom, he was bawling.  I was running about 10 minutes late and he was NOT happy.  And it didn’t help that he had just fallen and bumped his head on the floor.  A head bump and a hungry tummy do not make for a happy boy.

But of course, nothing a little lunch couldn’t fix.  (Dang genetics… sorry son!)

It was also a Geraldo lunch meeting day.  This meant it was just the two of us and momma didn’t have lunch.  I can normally manage on these days to pick something up on the way back to work and move on with life.  This day, however, I decided, you know what?  I needs a little snack.  So I threw a granola bar into my bag.

So, being the good momma I am, I fed him first.  After he had eaten to his little heart’s desire, I starting rocking him to really seal in the milk coma.  About the time he was almost out, I made a rookie mistake. 

I opened my granola bar.

He shot straight up and went for it. 

BAH! 

The rest of our lunch time was me fighting with him to go to sleep.  I had to eventually give up on the granola bar because it was crushed by tiny little fingers.  And by give up I mean quietly pick all of the crumbs up and eat them literally behind a baby’s back.

NO SHAME!

He finally gives up and is out.  I get up and gather all of my stuff and he shoots back awake. 
BAH!!

Seriously, little dude. 

I walk him slowly back to class and get him sleepy again.  I can feel him do that really cuddly thing he does right before he goes to sleep.  I lay him down in his crib.  This time, he doesn’t just shoot up.

No.

He shoots up AND starts talking and giggling and smiling.  It’s clearly not gonna happen today, this nap.  So, I take him out of the crib and put him on the play mat.  I give him a kiss on the top of the head and tell him I’ll be back after work.  Normally he just moves to the closest toy, or little girl, and is instantly distracted.

Not today.

Oh, not today at all.

Today, he looks up at me with those amazingly bright baby blues and starts crawling towards me. 

My lunch time is already over.  I’ve got to go.

The closer I get to the door, the faster he crawls.

The closer I get to the door, it starts. 

The crying. 

The heart and soul piercing crying.

My heart is screaming, GO GET HIM! 

But I know I can’t.  If I go back in, I’ll end up taking him home.  If I take him home, I won’t ever bring him back again.  If he never comes back, I’ll have to quit my job. 

Jen… you can’t quit your job.  You need to go.

So I do. 

I can’t say a thing.  I walk out.  I hear his little heartbroken cry all the way down the hall.  It’s awful, guys.  AWFUL.

I immediately send Geraldo a text:

“Stab me in the heart… The crying when leaving has started… You should have seen his little abandoned face.  Horrible.”

Cause that’s exactly how I felt.  I felt like I was abandoning my child.  He cried.  He needed me.  And I walked away.

But luckily I married the best man in the world.  I couldn’t ask for a better husband than Geraldo.  Geraldo is the absolute best.  He always has the right things to say at just the perfect time.  Things that I can’t see.  Things that make me remember who I am.   Things that remind me that I’m more than Momma and that’s ok.  More than ok… it’s good!

Cause really, yesterday I didn’t abandon Jude… I’m teaching him.  Teaching him to follow the Lord.  To follow his dreams.  To do hard things.  To be uncomfortable.

I love my job.  I mean LOVE my job.  And I almost quit yesterday.  Over a cry.  Who AM I?!?

And guys… That’s what this blog is all about.  It’s a daily struggle this whole More than Momma thing.  AND it’s hard.

So, little love, thank you.  Thank you for needing me to be More than Momma.  And Geraldo, thank you for reminding me that I am.  Love you both.